A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter
“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?” The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2017! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is, in fact, pointless, mundane, stupid,
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean? Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud. Mom: I thought it meant Lots of
I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum. Happy to
Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight. Right field: a quiet place where you can
The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain. • I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am.
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for a living?” Defendant:
Q: What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks? A: A 1980’s hairdresser! Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? A: When you’re a mouse. Q: Why did the Vampire read the New
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck. Source: jokes.cc.com
An old woman walked into a dentist's office. Took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' ''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied.
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally, he storms over to the manager.
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.” “Give me infinite wisdom!”